allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
