Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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