Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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