The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The struggles of a small town man whore
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
