Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
