matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
