before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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