I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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