My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Someone signed my nipple.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
