I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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