me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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