It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
