When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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