I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Dicks are not precious.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
