Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
