when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
