I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
