I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
