You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
