someone get that fucking seahorse.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
