Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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