My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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