My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize