were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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