so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
