Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
