All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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