Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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