last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
