Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
