Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
