halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
