your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
