I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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