Can Purell be used as lube?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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