Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
