the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
