he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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