Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
