A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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