Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
