I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
