Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It was confusing and full of hummus
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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