I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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