Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
