If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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