Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
