I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
