Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
