I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
